Friday, June 5, 2009

Rambling?

I am feeling a new sort of freedom. I am still dealing with some of the fingers of sickness...however not NEARLY what I have had for the past couple of weeks. My freedom comes in the letting go. There is a peace to be had in the letting go...I am thankful I have that peace. It is a process I am going through...this letting go. My heart still aches to be close (physically) to EVERYONE I love...seeings how part of the people I love live here, others in Medford, others in Stockton and still others in Waltham and Texas and North Carolina....it would be impossible for me to be with them all at the same time. So, I am retraining my heart. When those moments come that I ache for one or all of them...I tell my heart that it's OK to ache for them and to want to be close to them, but you are where you are supposed to be, and while you can't visit all of them....say from Texas east....I can call or write, and I can visit the ones close by. I just need to remind my heart to be content here....and it's working. God is so good to me, I no where near deserve His grace and His mercy and His comfort, and yet.....here it is. It's here in the knowing to be content where HE has me, and in the contentedness of knowing HE has EVERYTHING under control. I guess you can say I am in a season of realizing (again like my last post) there are things about me that I never really realized were there...like control. I always thought God had control of my life...and HE did...just not TOTAL control of my life. I thought I had given HIM total control, but have recently realized, I had not. I think that is what I needed to be shown in order to be content. My "hurricane" of feelings was fueled by my lack of COMPLETE surrender of EVERYTHING in my life...including my future, my past and my present..my kids, my husband, my ministry, my church, my friends, my home. Had I been delusional all this time, thinking I had surrendered all? I don't think so. God knows my heart, and he knows my desire is complete surrender...He is just showing me where I surrendered, then somewhere along the way, picked it back up again and tried to take control. When you can let go of control in your life....it is like a weight lifted off of you, that you didn't know you had, and you can actually breathe again....you can take deep breaths of freedom and enjoy every moment God has planned out for you, even the ugly moments, because you KNOW that there is a lesson in the "ugly" that will make you stronger in Him.

I probably sound like I am rambling...maybe I am....I just know that I am in the middle of a wonderful lesson with my Jesus....and I am SSSOOO excited about the future......and the present.

Have a wonderfully blessed day.

2 comments:

Tawny said...

That's some really wonderful rambling! :)

Julene said...

WHEW! that was good! I love what you said about "retraining my heart". I need to do some of that, and yes ~ I have more 'control' in my life than I realized. Nothing like a total shake up of my daily routine to make me realized how much I resent not having 'control' over my day!!!! There have been some rather 'ugly' moments here too:0) Luv Ya!